Since I came out to the general public in a fairly liberal college campus setting, I have had a lot of support and I have been able to express myself openly. And I have always been an overly dramatic and very articulate person, so I take my expressing myself beyond what people would expect my limits to be. I like boys and I can’t lie. In fact, I talk about whoever I like whenever I like and wherever I like.
I hit on literally anyone I fancy – regardless of sexual orientation. For some time, I cared. But I stopped when I realized I have a bad gaydar. (Personally, I am against the gaydar because it is built on the false stereotypes of gay men and gay women. It’s just mean.) In a way, I’ve been falling for random people all the way. A lot of my guy friends are shocked that I express my fascination with boys such openness – and that openness is probably why I have few guy friends. The person who has to suffer the most discomfort is my roommate.
I have a very large circle of friends and I love socializing and I meet a lot of people – hot guys included. Still, I enjoy staying inside my room for long periods of time. Going out – which could often mean leaving my room – is a special occasion. If I’m not in, I’d be doing something special or important. So I stay in a lot. My roommate is stays outside the room more, but the moment he gets back from whatever he has been up to, he becomes the victim of my rants about my daily life. My rants are usually long, elaborate and (yes) dramatic, and boys make up a large proportion of those rants. He would sit across the room rocking his chair and staring at me and my diva gestures and epic narratives with a blank expression on his face and say nothing.
We have often discussed about my boy-craziness during out ramen nights. (Every Sunday night around 10:30pm when all homework is done, we would have deep conversations on miscellaneous topics over a bowl of ramen and something to drink, usually non-alcoholic.) His opinion is that my boy-craziness is a personal issue which I should keep to myself. It’s personal alright but I won’t keep it to myself. I feel the need to express myself in whatever way possible, and when I want to do something, no one or nothing can hold me back. These are my strengths as well as my weaknesses. We always end up agreeing to disagree.
But it wasn’t until recently that I had this incident which taught me I should limit my boy-crazy rants to my close friends. Here’s the story:
This guy is one year senior to me at school. We’d seen each other around on campus but we got to know each other on two plane rides, where we were coincidentally seated next to each other. Toward the end of the year, I was invited to a party at his place via Facebook. The picture of the event on Facebook – the guy in a dress. He’s on one of the school’s sports teams, so he has a nice lean body – and the picture, it shows his shoulders, neck and legs well enough to attract me. He appears perfectly masculine on a daily basis but I’m a sucker for gender-bending and there goes my boy-craziness. (I was pretty sure he is straight but I just liked him and his courage to put up that picture on Facebook.) I talked about him with my girl friends, with my roommate (of course) and with some other guy friends – one of whom happens to be a close friend of his.
He and I had been planning to hang out for a while. His party was on a Saturday and we agreed to watch an opera at my place Sunday evening. Weekend nights I usually go out to a late night restaurant and sing karaoke so I dress up; I try to look my best head to toe. The night of his party, I was with swept up hair, dark eye-liner and thick lipstick, jewelry, tight skinny pants, a bright shirt with a vest and heels. I dropped by at his place before I went to the karaoke. And all everyone in his room were sports people in tank-tops and shorts – drunk and sweaty, nothing attractive for the likes of me. I talked with my friend for some time and left, because everyone was drunk, I don’t drink beer and I wasn’t enjoying their loud drinking games.
The next evening, he didn’t show up at my room but I got a text message instead: he apologized me for giving me the wrong idea that he was gay and that he wouldn’t be coming over. I knew at that very moment how he found out I had been boy-crazy about him. And my dress at his party gave people the idea that I was indeed falling for him (when actually I was just looking nice for my night out). *facepalm* I didn’t know how to respond. I was mumbling things on SMS for a while and a couple of days later I admitted that I fancied him – more as a person than as a crush – and I apologized that I couldn’t hold my tongue about it. He didn’t even have to apologize in the first place, because it was me who was all over him.
We are cool about the experience now – kind of. But we never got to hanging out again and we kept our distance from each other.