Disclaimer: When I said “whores” here, I meant nothing misogynistic.
Actually, I’m against double-standards where sexually active men are celebrated as “studs” and sexually active women are defamed as “sluts” or “whores”. For me the two types of sexually active people are not studs and sluts/whores, but those who keep their sexual activities private and those who don’t. Neither is necessarily bad but I think it is problematic for a sexually active person to not be open about his sexual preference or sexual orientation. This is not an apparent problem if the person keeps their sexual encounters to themselves but if they can’t …
I have a friend – well, “friend” (because we don’t click that well and you’ll find out why) – whom I knew was queer from our first conversation. Even for me who has a terribly malfunctioning gaydar, his physical appearance and his dress code came off to me as gay – but his voice and the way he talked isn’t stereotypically gay. Plus, he is a hardcore “Little Monster” and he loves the diva ballads of the 80s, 90s early 2000s – from Whitney Houston to Christina Aguilera. We’re both into music, we knew decent English and decent French (the language of love, ooh, lol), and thus we kind of got close real quick after meeting. We talked incessantly over the phone and on the internet for nights, but strangely enough, neither of us brought up the topics of dating, girls or sex; it was just music, language and our life ambitions. That was another indication of his queer sexual orientation. I was in my late teens and he was in his early 20s when we met (which was like only 1 year ago). And straight guys don’t get close to each other this easily or quickly either.
So after a couple months or so of meeting, he left for a music school abroad in Asia and I left for college in the US soon after he was gone. We got busy with our studies and lost touch for some time. He started talking to me around Thanksgiving. His music school turned out to be a training place for making and performing pop music, and I was getting immersed in the Eurocentric Western culture – our musical pursuits were going in almost opposite directions. Still our conversations kept going. We were talking about boys! I took this as a confirmation of my gaydar readings.
But it wasn’t long till our conversations got awkward. I was talking about how my school, being the small size that it is in a rural area, lacked hot guys and complaining about gay crushes who are either already in committed relationships or too white to be interested in Asian people and straight crushes but I wasn’t giving away names or photos. Meanwhile, he was showing me photos of guys who liked him – yes, guys who liked him (not guys he liked) – and talking most everything he knows about them. He most definitely likes them but he isn’t officially dating any one of them. A bit later, he told me he couldn’t decide who should be his boyfriend so he’s been having sex with most of them. He hushes me after telling me his tales but I’m sure he boasts about his admirers to other people. (Yeah, somebody could get killed for writing this post, eek.)
This came to me as a shock. From what he told me, those cute boys – yes, they’re cute – seem to be falling hard for him (No pun intended!) and all they got was nothing but his hard-on. This, I don’t even know if I should call casual sex but he was abusing those boys’ feelings in some ways – which I didn’t think is right.
Anyway, that is his personal problem. He was enjoying all that copious amounts of gay sex. He’s a top, by the way. But the problem: he sternly denied being gay when I asked of his sexual orientation. He refused the “bi-curious” label even, not to mention “bisexual“ or “queer“. He wasn’t the kind who would reject labels. He said all his sexual activity was for fun and that he would get married, have a wife and children and a family some day. Yet he loved homosexual activity and I could tell he is always pumped for more ass-pounding since he was saying things to me which could be interpreted as, “I’ll show you a good time, if you give me head and be the bottom.” (On a side note: I have no knowledge of his sexual activities before we left for college.) His words excited me but I have my rules – I wouldn’t mess with someone in denial. Yes, he was in denial!
I blame the overt and rampant heterosexism and cissexism of the Burmese society. I am a proud male feminist and I consider my mother a superwoman, but she herself has said things which could imply that there is no sexism in society, just men’s natural superiority to women. Terminology for the LGBT community barely exists, and the LGBT community is thus underrepresented and misrepresented:
Masculine/butch lesbians exist as “tomboys” in one category. They usually have feminine/femme partners, who are technically lesbians also but are regarded as “normal” [straight] women. They don’t face much discrimination in society, except the preexistent misogyny and name-calling (which can be either out of adoration or contempt). Transgender men go into the tomboy category.
Bisexual individuals, I believe, go for opposite-sex partners. (I don’t have the statistics to tell whole tales.)
Gay men and transgender women have it hard. They fall in the “drag queen” category – which people generally call “gay” but too loosely and too widely used to be correct in any sense. I had explained in an earlier post that men who fall for other men are considered women and women who fall for other women are considered men – for the most part. Although tomboys can strangely rise to some higher social standard as quasi-men, gays and trans-women are treated as men who have deviated from their sacred/superior biological gender, their masculine identity. They’re considered quasi-women but suffer more male/masculine chauvinism than do women. An interesting point to note: only bottoms are considered gay – because they get penetrated, which is the natural job for women. Tops usually remain closeted and seeking casual sex outside of their failed heterosexual relationships. I believe most homophobic cultures are structured this way. Correct me if I’m wrong!
My friend here appears to be one of the tops. He is gay, but not as defined in the Burmese dictionary. The moment he admits so, his status is going to fall to the lowest of all social strati in Burma – which he wouldn’t want. But, hey, I came out to my family and a lot of my blood relatives know of my sexuality. Yes, they’ve been picking on me with their traditional values as justification. But my story is aside the point here. My main social circle is now in a first world country college campus setting; I feel safe and confident about myself. And I am not sexually active. What this guy needs to do … is break out of the Burmese social norms, educate himself what being gay actually is and finally accept he is one. (He needs to officially join the gay army to take over the straight world! He’s too hot not to! Sorry I had to say that.) I am not oblivious to the consequences of coming out, which vary for different individuals, but I believe, he as a sexually active person should be out to his partners at least. It’s only fair for both individuals involved in the activity; he will finally accept his true identity and perform better sexually without guilt from having to hide it, and his partner would experience the non-restrained lust or emotions.
So here’s a shout-out to all the man-whores out there: “COME THE FUCK OUT!” Be out at least when you’re seeking casual sex. Be your true self, at least, during a most intimate physical/emotional activity like sex and give your sex partner all of you in the moment without hiding anything or holding back. Do it so that horny ass virgins like me may get our cherries popped by you! *winks*