Oh, gosh! I just got back to my room. (It’s Sunday morning 7:30am, and I can’t believe my first weekend is almost over, grr!) This guy who lives on my floor – let’s say “John Doe” (or JD) for anonymity’s sake – wanted to have sex with me, I went over and it didn’t happen. We had a good night though and it was hilarious.
WARNING: This contains graphic imagery.
NOTE: This is NOT pornography. And read the whole thing through – or jump the “scenes” if you want. The real material is toward the end, and it’s worth reading.
We didn’t get to having sex – although both of us wanted to – but it was a really good night, since I got to hear the story of his life and his attraction to me (or at least how he put it) gave me confidence about my self-image for my dating life and sex life. We’d been together almost all day and a little bit the day before. I threw a party in my room Friday night and he’d helped me with the grocery shopping to get the food all prepared. I’d intended it to be a KiKi – which, by definition, should involve lots of gossip, spilling tea and dishing desserts but didn’t. I fried ramen with vegetables and egg and roasted a whole 5lbs chicken using an oven for the first time. He helped me with the shopping but he didn’t show up at the party. He told me he fell asleep early and in another dorm, but he could’ve been playing hard-to-catch also. Anyways, I met him at lunch yesterday. He apologized for missing the party. I told him it was ok, because it was; all we did was sit around and eat and talk, there wasn’t even any dancing or loud music. It was a chilled good time.
Back to meeting JD at lunch, I asked him if he could drive me to a Walmart some time this weekend because I’ve been needing new lenses for my glasses since I have a new prescription. It was an easy yes. He drove me to a Walmart in a nearby small town (which is relatively larger than our college town) and, when I told him how I don’t want to be on campus during the weekends/holidays, he drove me to the big university town/city nearby. It’s one of the biggest cities in this state and it’s a university town and they were having a game against their big rival school so the city was busy and crowded. The sight of people make me happy. We walked around the downtown area and a little bit through the university campus and ended up eating some sushi dinner, which (if I had known he was trying to get with me) I should’ve made him buy for me, ahem. (We split the bill.) We listened to classical music and talked a lot about pop and classical music. He’s a baroque pianist and I’m a romantic Wagnerian composer-wannabe, so the conversation never really paused all along the way. We studied from like 8:00 to 9:30 in my room and decided to have some sort of a jam session. I’ve just gotten myself some traditional Burmese song books and he was wanting to play something, so we went to the school’s music building. We got back to our rooms a little after 11:00, and I got back to reading and he took a beer (or two) and then a shower.
He came around asking if I wanted to do anything or if I wanted to talk for the night. We both were tired already and I was ready for bed. I could tell he was suggesting something, but I couldn’t tell for sure and he wasn’t being open enough. I just told him no. But I decided to go over when he texted me that the folks in his room had left for the night and that we could do something. It’s only then that he brought up the real topic: sex. I said yes, since I’ve been horny for a while. I wouldn’t mind who as long as they wanted me, my body, my personality, my presence, whatever, and they’re not using me to experiment or just to get themselves off. Well, I could approve of experimentation. I told him I’ve been looking for a date, a relationship at this point and that I don’t want to be used. He replied he wouldn’t mind being in a relationship with me if I wanted, which didn’t make much sense. Then I remembered he was tipsy and hesitated a bit. I told him I don’t have prior sexual experience. He wouldn’t believe me because I’m just so fabulously gay and super open about it. I was so nervous, excited and scared I was shaking all over.
We had a little bit of foreplay and cuddled for a while. The kissing and caressing made me kind of uncomfortable since I wasn’t very into him as nice as he has been to me over the weekend. We weren’t really turning each other on, we just wanted to do it. Then, this happened:
“Do you have any condoms?”
“Me neither …”
Oh shit, it’s gonna hurt now. And I wasn’t going to take that. We looked for a lube substitute. We found hair conditioner, shampoo, laundry detergent, acne medicine, etc. All that stuff would’ve burnt our delicate parts. The closest we came to was chocolate sauce, but I didn’t want that in my ass – although it would’ve made him taste better. (Dicks aren’t the yummiest things I’ve among what I’ve tasted, I’ll tell you that, as exciting as they can get.) I finally said, “Gentleman, let us use a generous amount of spit.” It was ridiculous and funny how we cared more about lube than condoms.
He put a finger inside me and I started to feel like pooping. Oh no! Something going up your ass, it’s almost like what I imagined it would be: the process of constipated pooping reversed. I just told him to get inside me because I wasn’t enjoying the fingering. I’d stopped shaking and we still weren’t turning each other on. He has a nice penis, by the way, complete with a foreskin, YES – although he doesn’t have the stereotypical gay hunk body. So there I was, on fours with him trying to penetrate me from the behind. Then I started laughing really hard.
- He didn’t know where my hole was. (We were in the dark.)
- He wasn’t even hard enough.
I started cheering, “Push, push!” He told me to stop laughing and we called it off there. Nopes, nothing happened! We just gave each other a wank and went to sleep. Thanks goodness it was nothing violent or forced, phew.
Now, here’s the interesting part: his sexuality/sexual preference and how he’s been hitting on me … He has had one prior experience with a high school (gay) friend. It wasn’t clean what he’d done with his friend but there was no penetration involved. The third friend who watched them get each other off also turned out to be gay. I asked him if he were gay. He doesn’t know. He’s had a girlfriend for a couple of weeks. Well, that relationship longer than mine – kind of, because my relationship with my ex-girlfriend was unofficially 2-ish years and officially 3 days. I asked him if he and/or his family would mind being gay. He uttered a good solid no, because his brother is bisexual and the family doesn’t mind. Somewhere during our foreplay, I asked him if he wanted me and how much he wanted me. The answer was, “Yes, a lot!” Still we didn’t turn each other on. Sexuality is a weird ball game. I couldn’t tell if he was gay just by how he much was or was not turned on, because I am so very gay and I wasn’t turned on, although I was horny. That’s a weird thing to say: horny but not turned on. Hm? Now I’m not even sure anymore if I want to get laid or hook up with anyone anytime soon. But then he told me I am so much better than his high school friend had been. Well, I’m proud!
And he told me he’d been hitting on me a couple of days or so. D’awww! You should’ve asked me out officially on a romantic date rather than jump to sex, fool. I would’ve fallen so hard for you had you done so. I’m a sucker for romantic/dramatic things – exotic food, wine, flowers. But we did go around a nice city and had sushi for dinner. It just wasn’t official. You just didn’t know me well enough, dude! Tsk tsk … He told me he likes me because I am “so cultured and smart” and I’m very open about being gay. Those two words went a long way and up to my head – “cultured” and “smart“, hmm. I’ve always viewed my outness as some vulnerability but that could also be the idea that my mom has knocked into my head – that being out endangers me. But I’m proud of that vulnerability and, even though some people have expressed their envy for my outness and openness, I have just viewed it as a personal strength rather than an attractor factor. But of course, every straight of strength can be attractive. And being cultured and being smart, I’d never realized that until now. I know, of course, that I try to practise and understand my own (Burmese) culture to a certain extent and that am fascinated by foreign languages and foreign cultures, but I didn’t realize that cultural indulgence could be attractive. I myself am into cultured classy people, yes I am. But smart? Smart? Hm? I’m a little bit above an average IQ but I’ve never really been a nerd – unless it’s food and music (pop or classical), then I’m a snob. Oh my, how he’s boosted my confidence for dating! Thank you, man. It was a good night.
BUT there were things I didn’t like about this incident:
- He’d been drinking. I didn’t know how much he’d had to drink although he said it was one beer. I made up my mind fairly quickly that I would and could hook up with him, but it was a relief to know that he had been hitting on me for some days now. And he isn’t having any bad reactions this morning. So it was kind of ok that he had been drinking.
- He was trying to get me to drink or trying to get me drunk. I don’t drink (like ever) unless I really want and I want it bad. Then, I would go out of my way to get it. I don’t drink cheap college beer, because I think it’s sketchy, and that’s all he had to offer me. He was also luring me wine, which I was craving for last night since I was reading about Bordeaux for a French paper I’ve been working on. But he didn’t have any wine. LIAR!
- I wasn’t ready for the adventure although it was pretty enticing. I don’t think I’m ready for sex yet even now. I should go for the natural process of dating, falling in love, having a relationship and then sex. Hooking up, I don’t think, is my thing although I have no problems at all with the idea of it. JD’s prior experience didn’t involve any penetration, so this would’ve counted as a first time for both of us (if it had happened). Hooking up as the first time is a bad idea, I’ve been told and so I believe.
- Last but not least, we didn’t have condoms. It’s simply unsafe, even though we were both virgins, and we still are, damn! It was stupid of us – well, actually it’s me – to care more about lube than condoms. But it was fortunate that the lack of lube and not being turned on enough prevented us from going all the way.
But, all in all, it was a fun experience, a good time trying out something new. It’s just that we did not accomplish it.