It’s amazing how some things happen in life when you’re least expecting them to. Whenever somebody asks me what I perceive of life, I often refer to John Lennon: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” So yeah, here I am several weeks into the first semester of my sophomore year occupying myself with new fun activities, meeting up with good old friends, avoiding assholes, trying to get by with hopes that I might get to transfer out of this school I don’t like being in and graduate from a different school – and all is going well. Then I met this guy …
Well, it wasn’t any sort of magical meeting. There was a variety show to welcome the incoming students before the first day of school. So I put myself up on stage, I had to. I sang the Habanera from Carmen in black skinny pants and a fuchsia rose V-neck and on 4.5-inch heels and with a black and pink Burmese shawl and with full makeup on. Yes, honey, I had to put on a show in French with a provocative image to get noticed among the newbies. This person – let’s say John Doe, for easy-naming’s sake – was one of the many people who gave compliments after the show. And he is one of those people whom once seen cannot be unseen. He had very distinctive looks – which is a good thing, because I have all-white-boys/girls-look-alike too often (especially more so when they’re cute). I am not going into details to describe him. He didn’t appeal to me as attractive then, and he still doesn’t. Strangely enough, he appeared on my Gaydar, although I am never the one to assume people as gay or straight. I just hit on guys randomly.
We started seeing more of each other around campus, because it is a damn small school and we are very recognizable and distinctive people. We would have occasional short conversations and sit together during meals sometimes. Then I noticed a considerable number of people were all over him. A girl friend of mine said she’d like to date him but that it’s a shame he’s gay. Some gay guy with whom I haven’t talked or had contact with in months texted me asking me who John Doe was. Some other straight girls would mention him in their conversations about cute boys. There is even a bunch of girls (his girl friends) who would stand behind him and ruffle his hair as he eats in the dining hall. I kind of got tired of all these folks discussing him and not actually trying to get to know him. But I had the opportunity to approach him, so I asked him out for a walk one night.
Ok, as much as I would like to, I am not going to mention details here – because they’re all personal information this special person and I share between us that can be used against me by other suitors of him or, more importantly, against him. So, sorry, guys! I can’t throw everything down this time.
During the walk, we had a nice long conversation through which I found out, despite the different ways we express ourselves through the way we dress/appear, we actually have a lot in common. He embraces sensitivity as a man, appreciates drama and the arts and takes interest in foreign cultures – all 3 of which are not typical of American men and are qualities with which you can sweep me off my feet. Also, I found out he has had a rough history with relationships, coming out and some health problems but that he has a supportive family, despite being from the most (politically) right-winged state in the Midwest.
I got to see more of him over the weekends. I would head over to his dorm and join him hanging out with his dormmates and other friends (including other suitors). We would join couches and form cuddle puddles and talk of random things. It’s such a pain his phone doesn’t work on campus though. This campus is notorious with AT&T phones. And I deliberately refrained from adding him on Facebook, out of fear that I might over-stalk him. From what I’ve gathered so far, he does not seem to have had the most pleasant teenage years up to the point he got to college. (Well, who has pleasant teenage years anyway? But you know what I mean.) And he’s doing all he can to create a good circle of caring and supportive friends. Good for him! And it’s nice to see how much he cares for his friends, and his friends, knowing fractions of his history, caring for him.
We went out for dinner 2 Saturdays ago, and during the meal, I told him that I like him a lot and that I’d like to get to know him better. I did not ask him out – which was a prudent decision, because I didn’t want to rush things. And as it turns out, he is not in a position where he can have a relationship at this point in his life. He also told me that he likes me, but I’m pretty sure it’s not in the same way that I like him. But it’s all good, because we’re open with each other (as far as I can tell) and nice things can happen between us somewhere down the road.
Anyways, bottom line: I’m in love again! And the cool thing about it is that I am just so happy about it. I am overjoyed and full of bliss that I should be able to have (romantic) affection for someone again, especially after, last semester being so rough and summer being so boring, I have come to harbour much bitterness and hatred and hold grudges against a long list of people. I didn’t think I was going to fall for this guy. I wasn’t expecting it, I wasn’t planning it. It came so naturally to me. And the best part: I don’t even care if he’s going to date me – or if he even likes me the same way that I like him. So it’s like my happiness is a celebration of my resilience and the intersection of our emotional likeness (if that makes sense), rather than stuff like physical/chemical attraction or sharing many common interests or pastimes. I don’t know where we’re headed. We might not become a couple – but if we do, he’ll be my first boyfriend EVER. But I’m sure we’re gonna be good friends. We kind of already are.
This whole falling in love business is turning my whole world around. Although a “No, we can’t be boyfriends,” rejection is very eminent, I feel so peaceful and satisfied with having someone to adore. He’s one whole individual, I am one whole individual. Our lives are not intertwined or complimenting each other. But his presence in my life, or knowing that he exists around me, is a gentle powerful and bright light shining through my life. I literally dance on a daily basis as I commute myself across campus. I am limiting myself to listening only to happy and/or romantic songs. My new favourite, by the way, is Delta Goodrem’s “Sitting on Top of the World” – coz it’s exactly how I feel right now. Check it out if you haven’t yet! It’s awesome. I listen to it everyday. I’m actually playing it now.
Homecoming weekend is coming soon. And I’m set on whom I’m asking to be my date – this guy here! He says he likes dancing. So do I! But we’ll see … I have to ask him out first.