Apologies: I haven’t been responsible keeping this blog up and running. As the title suggests, I’ve been lost again battling my inner demons, which have found new and subtler ways to bug me. But I’m trying to get back on track and I actually have more material for my readers. It’s not just mine anymore. I’ve started a new blog, where I’ll be manager rather than writer: The OUT Diaries, ladies and gentlemen! Since the work I’m doing on this blog – in particularly how I’m writing – is reaching out to readers, I thought it’d be a good thing to offer readers multiple perspective on multiple things in the same candid manner of writing that manifests this Queer&Gay blog. So I’ve gotten together a band of writers (FYI, my friends) to get together and write about their experiences with, within and without the LGBT community. There’s nothing there yet but there’s gonna be really interesting in the near future.
So I’m on my summer vacation after my sophomore year, and out of all the possible places I could spend it, I’m staying at a friend’s place outside a Texan metropolis. Who’d have thought? I was gonna be in New York City but these nice people offered me a place. Her parents are pagan priests of Celtic tradition and hospitality is one of their core virtues. Bless their hearts! Texas has managed to give me a better impression in 2 weeks than my Midwestern school state was able to in 4 semesters. I’m finally learning to love American food – or more precisely Texan food – and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m actually on vacation. (Because previously whenever I had a break, I filled the time up with things that exhausted me further, and by the end of the break when I’m supposed to get back to work/school, I actually need a break from going on vacation, besides needing a break from work/school. It’s insane.) I did have stuff planned for summer vacation though, especially reading and studying. I’m falling behind on stuff but I’m happy I’m getting rest. And I’ve been on a spiritual camping retreat with the pagan community around here already, which was a cool new experience. Shh, don’t tell my mom I’m exploring other spiritual paths; she’ll get upset. FYI, I’ve departed from institutionalized Buddhism for a while now but I still
These past several days I went without my medicine (again) and I’ve had a lot to think about – again. First off, the medicine limits me from feeling emotional extremes. It’s supposed to make me not depressed but it can’t let me be happy either, turning me into an insensitive bastard when watching cheesy movies and stuff. Another (more important thing), it messes with my sex drive. Not that I’m sexually active but it’s hard to ejaculate. No pun intended! It just takes so long and it gets tedious. And in a house of 4 with only 1 bathroom and where I don’t have a room of my own, I can only occupy the bathroom for so long. And I seemed to be doing so much better than I was at school so I decided to go for a while without it. Bad idea! Maybe not quite though, because I could feel some emotional extremes again and get back in touch with reality, instead of dwelling in this artificial state of mind. It was only bad because reality isn’t that pretty …
My attempts from this past spring semester at transferring failed. I applied to a music school, assuming I needed to indulge myself fully in music after 2 years of beating around the bush in a liberal arts education system. After all, I’d always wanted to pursue music; I’d just been lying to myself that I might not. Just so everyone knows: pursuing music, for me, has been a harder struggle than coming out because I was in great denial, unlike with my sexuality. I went to audition. I messed up, big time. I sang beautifully but I probably didn’t make it through any other part of the audition – like signt-singing. Reality check: I hadn’t developed a proper musicianship over the past 4 semesters. That realization was a severe blow. Why else would a music school reject me? It was nerve-wrecking. All I’ve learnt throughout my studies (of voice and piano): I have a gorgeous voice; and I know what the piano is capable of. What I haven’t learnt but should’ve: to sing; to make music on the piano; and be professional about practising music.
What, what, what have I been doing? I’d been too vain about my voice and knowing how the piano works, I missed out on the actual process of becoming a musician, which is putting the instruments to use. Plus, I come from a culture and an education system that provides no musical training at all. I could not figure out for myself how much I needed to work to be on par with other folks who’ve been singing in choirs since elementary school, who’ve been sitting at the piano keyboard since before kindergarten. My professors and instructors didn’t tell me either. For one thing, they didn’t know about my background or my aspirations, and for another, I can’t expect them to pay this much attention to me. So basically, I was too stupid to know what’s good for myself.
Now I’ve now found what the problem is but not quite what the source of it is yet. I really wish I could start college all over again. I talked about it with my parents. At least, they gave me a green light, knowing how desperate am. They said it’s ok to throw away 4 semesters of college education – as much as they don’t have money – if my new path benefits me best. That was the single most hopeful thing I’ve ever heard from them in my life. Very often, I wish they were so much richer, so that I can do whatever the fuck I want with their money. But I am grateful beyond measures that they’ve put their trust in me and still wish me the best in whatever my pursuits are. With my sexuality, which is absolutely alien and taboo to them, they just said they won’t interfere or dictate my dating, romantic, sexual preferences because I’m supposed to know what’s best for myself and they trust that I’m good enough to know so. Same thing here: they believe I’ve grown enough to know what my options are and what suits me best.
At this point, my education seems to be/have been on the wrong track. But this time around I can’t quite find whom to blame. But I am angry, very angry with myself for not knowing – or more so, admiting to myself – in the first place, what I want and what I should do and with others for not directing me to the right path. I feel lost, very lost. I’ve almost completely lost my way and I’m trying not to lose my mind!
The good thing though is: although I’m lost, I’ve been able to locate where I am. Next course of action is finding out where to go next. And that is going to be a tough choice. See, I can’t let myself go and go easy on myself because I have great great ambitions and I wouldn’t have my life any other way than I plan it. At this point, I have multiple other forces acting on my life besides my own will. My family can only pay so much for my education. I cannot go back home or to certain places because I’d be at war with homophobic forces. The xenophobic nature of the US also restricts me from doing certain stuff as a non-resident alien student. To be brutally honest, I see myself as the next Richard Wagner – in the making at least. But it is of great distress to know I am no where close to becoming a legend, a visionary and an entrepreneur like Wagner and I don’t know how I’m going to manage it. (By the way, for clarification: I am NOT trying to model my life after Wagner’s. Ooh, that would end badly.)
I cannot do this by myself, people. I need help, I need good company. It is true: victory depends on the people that you choose. Even the Buddha said it depends 100% whereas one of his disciples were saying 50%. I need to surround myself more with people who are aware of who I am and what my goals are. Also, it is true I have been stupid and made a long string of mistakes, which have affected myself and others (e.g. putting extra burden on my family) – but mostly myself. I need to forgive myself for those also. Others probably have moved on and moved along regardless of my wrongdoings to them but I live with the karma. Condemning myself for my actions is in a way believing that I deserve their consequences. Only I can absolve myself.
That should be all for now. I will leave you with a Barbra Streisand song:
Once again, the times are changing
Once again, I’ve lost my way
While the words of ancients fall like dust upon my shoes
Greed has robbed me of my vision
Turned my heart from higher truth