This summer I’m finally getting some rest and I’ve been able to sit myself down in front of the TV and watch stuff. Game of Thrones threw me off at my second episode with the dreaded Red Wedding. I was ok with the deceit and betrayal but not with stabbing a pregnant woman in the womb, just no. But I’ve grown to like Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern, No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain and Ghost Adventures with this hot guy Zak Bagans on Travel Channel. I like it when this bald Jewish-American guy travels to exotic foreign places to try local foods; whether he likes it or not, it’s still fun to watch his reactions. Bourdain is more of a fine dining guy who goes around for the best of the typical stuff. With Ghost Adventures though, it’s not that convincing what Bagans and crew find but I watch it for for imagination’s sake concerning the paranormal and, of course, the hot guy.
I like exploring stuff, expanding boundaries and networking with people and so on, you know that. Why else would I have come this far away from home and keep putting myself out on new territories? When I first got to the US, I didn’t know my father had a cousin living in SoCal. And there was like nobody I knew in the Midwest where I had to go to school. Discovering/accepting my sexuality and coming out has been quite a ride – which took me to 2 MBLGTACCs (Midwestern BLGT Ally College Conference), starting this blog and confrontations with my third world background. Going on random adventures to new lands and meeting strangers. And so much more. You know what I haven’t explored? What I’ve been to scared to explore? My own body. Yes, it’s my own fucking body!
I haven’t explored my body fully. You know what I’m talking about, right? I touch myself and stuff, and I’ve openly talked about masturbation, but I’ve always been hesitant when it comes to the rear end. I’ve had a couple of attempts at getting laid but it didn’t go through whether I was trying to top or to bottom. Ermahgerd, poopholes are disgusting! I’m ok with the touch – me touching the other party – but the sight and the smell are just eww. Even when I’m by myself, I wouldn’t try and put anything inside myself. It’s scary. There, I said it, ok: I’m scared. It’s not just my nails (which are usually long), I’m just not ok with it, by far. I’m not ready for any kind of foreign body inside myself coming in down there.
I don’t think my “fear” for sex/anal sex is derived from my upbringing. We did tell lots of jokes about sex from the rear end growing up and all, but they were all for fun. Also, I was repulsed at the thought of vaginal sex also when I first heard of it. I’ve always loved children and my reaction when I realized you have to have sex to make babies was: “Um, no, gross!” A friend then consoled by telling me they come eventually and you don’t necessarily need to have sex – and he said it like he meant it as the truth. That was 8th Grade, which was pretty late for me discovering about sexual intercourse when I’d been masturbating for over a year. I wonder if that friend turned out gay, too, or was just plain dumb like me, too. You know, I think it’s true what I once read about sex on an Someecard:
Discovery of sex: Let’s put the grossest part of the body inside your grossest part of the body.
Still, I get horny and think about sex, but can’t bring myself to do it, to go all the way – yet.
My views on sex/sexual relationships have evolved over time, too. Since I had a clear understanding of sex – not the understanding of it in 8th Grade *Barbra Streisand chuckle* – I never thought premarital sex or casual sex or FWB relationships were bad or unacceptable. Then it got stronger to a point where I believed sex is strictly physical experience that does not require physical commitment – which, I reason, is why casual sex, rape and open relationships (non being interrelated or corelated) can exist. My recent understanding of my fear of sex revealed to me that there is possibly some emotional aspect involved. And it would have to do with the comfort level. I believe in extending the comfort zone but I don’t think sex shouldn’t be pursued outside the comfort zone. It’s ok to try new things and experiment, but only when you’re ready for it, when you can feel comfortable about it. And being on the same emotional level as your partner in sex would help. It would get you ready for the action. So, as horny as I get from time to time, I’m holding it until I’m with somebody who I can feel completely comfortable going all the way, and that person should reciprocate my feelings (about sex with them) too. It’s not gonna be like here’s a stick and here’s a hole, let’s ram it into it. And I still think gay sex would feel like being constipated but, instead of having the hard poop go out – and all the way out – it’s a stiff penis going in and out of your butthole. It doesn’t sound or look nice. And it’s funny but not really, so I should get over that first.
Then, I will be ready (probably) … to get promiscuous! Then I will finally actually and legitimately be … a man-whore, muahahahahaha!