Lately, I learnt to love Beyoncé, probably the sassiest pop icon ever. I finally understand why and how she has become a gay icon and why the gay community loves her. She has a voice, she has her style and she’s grown out of that flimsy sex icon pop star status to be one hell of a woman/shero figure. She officially also counts as a lesiban icon now coz she just debuted her new short hair on Instagram. And anytime I come to like/love a new pop person, I also redisvoer 2 of my favourite pop personalities: Madonna and Whitney Houston. (My favourite singer is still Celine Dion for pop and Natalie Dessay for classical, but whatever.) Madonna is everything a pop star should be, although I wouldn’t even say she has a voice. Whitney Houston has saved my life, with the song “Miracle”; I’ve probably talked about this before. But let’s get back to Madonna. I want to bounce off her hit song “Open Your Heart.” Here’s the official video from way back when:
She plays with the idea of the male gaze. She plays this dancer who does this burlesque/cabaret performance in a theatre where the men watch from glass boxes. Outside, there’s a little boy surrounded by posters of naked women. The men’s boxes in the theatre have blinders that go up and down (open and close). The boys observes the posters outside, one by one by covering different bodyparts, and he finally closes his eyes. Then Madonna’s outside the theatre wearing the same clothes as the boy, not anymore in the corset-underwear thingy. She kisses him on the lips and his eyes are closed. (Lucky guy, gets a kiss from Madonna on the lips and he probably hasn’t hit puberty yet.) And that kiss was kind of odd and weird, coz they start dancing together down the street in a very platonic manner. It looks like she quit her job and took the boy away from the adult entertainment theatre, because the old man from the box office chases them down the street. You can read a lot of interesting things into it, so …
Ok, that was a long intro and the Madonna song only has the title and some parts of the song related to what I’m actually trying to talk about: coming out, dating and relationships. I will talk about my current crush but only a little bit because, like I said before, I’m not ready to let everyone know yet. (Well actually, the other party isn’t ready. I’m an attention whore and I’m always ready.) 2 people recently came out to me – wait, make it 3. The third guy, whom I had always presumed to be gay says he wants to settle down with a girl although he prefers guys as of now. So that makes him either bi or pan. He never officially came out but he’s always lived in a glass closet, but he turns out to like girls, too, so SURPRISE!
The second person is a girl – who has yet to identify her sexuality and fuck the world if she never does and the world still wants her to. She just got a girlfriend. It took me completely by surprise. But I’m happy for her. She’s one of the upperclassman from my former college … (Ooh, feels good to say that. I’m transferring to another small town liberal arts college in the Midwest, guys. Finally!) … someone I respect a lot. We met in a social science class and she has great knowledge and passion in her field. She comes from (I think) a Republican family and probably votes/voted Republican too but she’s open to all kinds of political thought. We spent only one night together studying – she, my best friend and I – and since then we’ve loved her loads. She’s not out like at all and she probably isn’t going to put a label on her sexuality in the near future, but I am happy and thrilled she’s exploring. And she seems to be very happy in her new relationship. Her girlfriend is from the state that I’m transferring to, so I’ve been told to expect visitors. She (my friend) loves me and looks after me, as an upperclassman; she knows I’ve been losing sleep due to stress and the Texas heat.
The first person … We’d been talking on Facebook all through summer, and he finally asked me out and came out to me at the same time. I would very often complain about how my identity as a minority makes for a hard time in America and he would say, “I’m lucky I was born in easy mode.” [Easy mode = straight white Christian male] He’s a militant atheist now though. I personally don’t buy creationism but it bugs me sometimes how aggressive he can get. And all those baby-eating atheist jokes. I love kids! Not so easy anymore now, huh, mister? He’s been very nice to me all summer and I finally understand why. We talked almost everyday, we still do. He shared music; I learnt to love electroswing thanks to him. He told me stories. And we talked politics and religion. And I also finally understand why he always gets so bummed out when I pick up the topic of transferring.
He’s been hitting on me all through the past academic year. Like WHAT? I have an admirer and I never knew about it. I’m very happy though now that I know about it. If he had asked me out during the school year, it actually might have worked for us. But he did need time to understand his own feelings and I can understand that, and that he didn’t rush things. He’s a super liberal person and has been a strong ally, but I can tell discovering your own queer sexuality can be scary. Even discovering sex … to make it simpler even, masturbation is a shocking memory for a lot of us. It’s like: “What just came out of my penis? Argh!” or “What the fuck just happened to my body?” And something still widely taboo like a queer identity takes time to warm up to, when it’s yourself – probably the reason why it takes some gay people years of unsuccessful marriage to finally discover their true sexuality. So, it’s not gonna work for him and me – the wrong time and place.
Well, I’m just biased. There’s somebody else I’m greatly favouring despite both of us being in a far more inconvenient time and place for each other, even than my circumstances with the previously mentioned gentleman. I’m talking about none other than my current crush. Oh, how I love that sweet dear boy! The things is: we’ve never actually met in person. We met on a dating site and he’s like the nicest person ever. In fact, no other person in my life has been as open and respectful as me. Well, I have really close friends and we know everything about each other but that took time to build up. My greatest virtue is integrity; I can never lie, I can only give you me, all of me, my real genuine self. And he seems to appreciate and reciprocate how I practise my virtue, and he opens up to me accordingly. He’s still mostly closeted – which is understandable and probably even good, since he comes from a church family. The father’s a Christian pastor. He says the family’s politically moderate/centrist but they serve a conservative congregation and the family needs to maintain a reputation. Geez, talk about the not-so-easy mode! He’s challenged a lot of my ideas for the perfect boyfriend/date. I tend to fall for socially awkward vegetarians and, yes, that’s what he is. And y’all know I love my meat. I like it thick and juicy … Wait, hold it, I’m getting out of hand. I have – or rather had – a thing against people with dietary restrictions; pet peeves included vegetarians, vegans, people with food allergies and even those who keep kosher. And I used to be completely against dating someone who is still closeted; I just refuse to handle the complications. But this boy pushes the right buttons on me, and he probably doesn’t even know it himself. My heart melts like butter whenever I read his messages. We only communicate by written messages and postal mail. I haven’t even heard his voice and he sweeps me off my feet. I’m hopeless, guys. But only because he pushes the right buttons and I keep getting encouragement from this one girl friend of mine. We don’t get to talk much though; he’s a busy man and, since I have romantic interest in him, he can’t probably openly communicate with me. He recently directed or played in a local production of “Guys and Dolls“, and I’m starting to think he looks like Marlon Brando. Don’t judge me! I need to get him a birthday present in mid-October. I need gift suggestions.
About how I got to “open my heart” to him – just to reconnect to the title – I had to be spontaneous. Before I elaborate on that, 2 things …
- He doesn’t (yet) reciprocate my feelings. He’s trying to get over somebody and there are some other issues in his life right now. I’m waiting on him since I’ve decided he’s a worthy investment of my time, emotions and energy. Surprisingly though, this crush hasn’t been draining me of my emotions. It actually makes me feel alive and young. And you know how I treasure feeling young, being young; holding on to a cheesy teenage-ish hopeless romance helps me. And being able to have romantic interests and such means my mental health is improving.
- Language can mislead. There are differences between words like spontaneous, hasty, clumsy, impulsive. The intention is different. You might consider my feelings for this boy hasty and impulsive, but I have the final word. It’s spontaneity.
My second last reblogged post is from Thought Catalog(ue) – a lovely blog for daily reads. It basically encourages to not be afraid of trial and error in dating. My recently mentioned girl friend has been giving me dating suggestions and they go along the same lines: If you have a gut feeling (or in the heart) for/with a person, jump to it. If it works out, see where it goes. If it doesn’t, move along. If it breaks your heart in due time, embrace it, too. “Feel all the emotions,” that’s what she said, and I’ve been living by it. And it feels good! So my suggestion for dating would also be: go the fuck for it! But make sure you’re comfortable with yourself already and be ready to present yourself and your intentions genuinely and clearly. Don’t lead people on, and don’t dwell on them either! Again, there’s a difference between dwelling on something/somebody and waiting on it/them. Open your heart!
Oh look! I said I wasn’t gonna talk about my crush and here we are. Ok, that’s all for now. I just lost another night of sleep but I’m not gonna regret it. And FYI, although I have a crush and am pretty much fixated on him, I’m still open to others who want to pursue me. You just have to do better than him, which is entirely possible.
Also, I have a coming out of my own to do: I still have some sort of a sexual attraction to girls. I do decidedly prefer boys though and would like to settle down with one. The Vagina Monologues kinda got me wondering. I still have a lot of exploration to do myself.